Unsolicited Advice

“Have you tried going vegan? My sister’s friend’s aunt’s mailman was cured of a rare disease by going vegan.”
“Maybe you should exercise more often. That will make your pain go away.”
“I’ve heard that eating a tablespoon of mustard each morning will relieve any health problems. You should try it.”
“Have you tried this medication? I saw a commercial for it on TV last night and thought of you.”
“How about going to a chiropractor? Mine changed my life.”
“Oh, I just read a story about this man who was cured of his illness by using hypnotherapy. Maybe that’s what you need.”

I’m sure many of my fellow chronic illness warriors have experienced the well-meaning friends (and strangers…usually strangers) who try to fix our problems. They hear about our diagnosis and remember that one time when they heard about some magical cure for a completely unrelated problem, and they somehow feel the need to give their advice.

I think it is a natural instinct to want to help people, to solve their problems. We don’t like to see others in pain or going through tough times, so we want to be able to fix them. We hear about pain and want to take it away. We see someone’s life in shambles and want to put the pieces back together for them. I can think of a few circumstances in particular that I would like to fix, people I want to save, but I know that they are out of my control. The problem comes when people overstep boundaries and jump in to try to save the day, often bringing annoyance rather than assistance.

Chances are, if you’re offering someone advice on a so-called cure, they’ve already heard of it. If it’s not super out there (or even sometimes if it is…hey, we get desperate), they’ve probably tried it. And if you’re still offering them advice, then that probably means it didn’t work. I’ll tell you this: I’ve tried the vegan thing…and actually, in my case that backfired majorly without doing anything positive for my health. I do work out when I can, but it usually makes the pain and fatigue worse. So that’s out. I’ve tried all the medications that are advertised on TV, and still don’t understand why we need ads for those sorts of things. Oh, and yeah, they didn’t help. I’ve seen chiropractors, massage therapists, alternative health physicians, and everything else one could suggest. I will admit that I haven’t tried the mustard thing, although that was just some creative license going on there…but I’m sure there are claims about that somewhere.

Truthfully, if doing twelve jumping jacks every day while chewing the leaves of a rare oak tree cured your second cousin’s hair stylist of all her problems, then good for her. But just because a crazy “cure” works for one person, that does not mean it will help the next. Even if it’s a more common treatment, it probably won’t work for everyone. Assuming that chronic illness can be instantly and magically cured with some bizarre concoction that has, to date, helped one person just isn’t very practical. I’m always happy to hear about people who have been relieved of their suffering, but it’s generally not anyone’s place to be pushing treatment ideas on other people, especially when they don’t know the full situation.

Instead of offering your unhelpful advice to the next chronically ill person you see, here are some alternatives:

• Tell them you are sorry for their pain and leave it at that.
• Make an effort to research their condition on your own time. Learn why that magical cure probably won’t help.
• Be there for them. If they ask for help, be willing to serve.
• SHUT YOUR MOUTH. If you don’t have anything nice/helpful/intelligent to say, please keep your comments to yourself.
• If it’s a friend/family member, rather than a stranger you see in the grocery store, stop by with a care package of comforting things. {And by this I do not mean whatever pill/remedy/magic you’re trying to shove in their face.} I’m talking about happy things that they would actually like to receive. Socks, candles, food, movies…tailor it to their needs/preferences. Even a simple card can go a long way in showing that you care.
• Be a listening ear. Most of the time, we don’t want advice. We don’t want you telling us every five seconds that we’re going to get through this, and this has all happened for a reason. We don’t want to hear about your ideas for what condition we might have or what you think might help us. We just need someone who will sit and listen, offering feedback when requested but not being pushy.

The bottom line is this: Don’t try to offer a fix-it-all solution unless you are directly asked for advice. In the world of Google, most reliable treatment options are accessible online. If not, the doctor of a chronically ill person has probably brought it up already. Sure, there are those rare instances where there is an up-and-coming therapy that isn’t well-known or advertised, but unless it has been researched thoroughly, I for one am not one to jump right in and try it. I have doctors, I have books, and I have the wide vault of information at my fingertips in the form of the Internet. I really don’t need to hear about your brilliant cure…but thanks for sharing.

The next time you’re tempted to offer some stupid suggestion about how to cure someone’s chronic illness, please do everyone a favor and hold your tongue. It gets old and tiring after a while to hear the dozens of weird and unsolicited remedies that have not helped. If you must say something, please simply offer your sympathies and move on. Thank you very much, and I hope you have a great day.

P.S. Have you heard of superglue?? I hear it’s a good cure for ignorance and dumb comments…

Stop Trying to Fix Me

  Yesterday my friend (who I know reads this-so hello!) and I were having a conversation about people who try to give their opinions on your medical matters. Offering treatment advice, trying to diagnose you…you know what I’m talking about. I told her that I’m okay with her giving me advice, only because she was in treatment with me and knows what I’m going through. But not everyone’s advice is as welcomed or appreciated. This morning I stumbled across this brilliantly written statement by MrsWelches Warriors. The truth behind it is so real, and it puts many of my thoughts and feelings into words.

You see, people always try to fix things. Broken car? Take it to a mechanic. TV stopped working? Call someone to fix it right away. Strep throat? Make a beeline for the doctor to get some medicine. We see what’s broken and our instinct is to fix it. But chronic illness is not the same as a broken car. It’s not as easy to repair as a television, nor is it cured by medication like strep throat. No, chronic illness is in a whole different category, one where the “fix it” gloves must come off. 

People with chronic illness don’t just receive a diagnosis and do nothing about it. Well, maybe some do. But most people choose to fight. They see doctors, they read books, they google treatment options. They try to see what works. Once all options have been exhausted, then they choose to accept their new way of living. So when someone says, “have you tried this?” it’s like pouring salt into a very tender, aching wound. Chances are, we’ve tried it…and if we’re still “not better,” that’s probably because it didn’t work. We don’t need the reminder that we’re incurable.

Eventually we come to a point where we choose to accept the diagnosis that is given. We adapt, we make changes, both physically and mentally. We deal with the struggle of remembering the way things used to be, while learning how to make the present situation work for us. We know that this just might be how the rest of our lives will go, but we also entertain the idea of a better future. We research, we look at possible options. We do what we can, what is comfortable and tolerable.

We don’t need people who have never been in our shoes telling us what to do, where to go, or what “magical pill” to swallow.

Before you throw a chronic illness warrior an article from the Weekly World Dum-Dum claiming to “cure” our ailments, take a minute to think. Would this really be helpful? Did they ask for my opinion? Have they already tried this treatment? Unless we’ve asked, we probably don’t want your advice on how to “cure” our incurable illness. Thank you very much.

Friends, family, strangers in the grocery store…stop trying to fix me. Just let me deal with my diagnosis in the way I know how. Stop breaking me even more by giving me your unsolicited, ridiculous opinion. I know my body, I know what treatments are available, I know what has and has not worked. Unless I’ve directly asked for your help, please keep your comments to yourself.