Tomorrow, I’ll be stepping back into the building I swore I’d never return to-the rehab hospital. Well, actually, I’ve sworn off this place multiple times…and somehow I always end up back there. My palms become sweaty just thinking about it. This time I’ll only be there for the morning rather than being admitted, which is different than the 4 other times I’ve been there. It’s kind of a relief knowing that I don’t have to commit to any physical torture [yet], and as a bonus, I get to see one of my pain friends while I’m in town!
This appointment is not without plenty of hesitation. I kind of feel like a puppy coming back with its tail between its legs because I always seem to disappoint my therapists when I go there. When I was hospitalized last Fall, my PT gave me a firm lecture about how I should’ve been better by then, how I wasn’t trying hard enough, and how I was going to have severe consequences (mostly physically: skin lesions, infections, amputation…) if I didn’t start to get better and take care of myself. Well, even though I have taken better care of my leg, some of the consequences are still happening.
I know that I’ll probably be given another lecture at this appointment, so I’m prepping for it and trying to grow some thick skin. I keep reminding myself that regardless of their opinions on the state of my health, I know that I have been at least attempting to do what they instructed. I’ve done my exercises, washed my bad leg often (*shudders*), and I have worn my compression stockings faithfully. Heck, I even painted my toenails. I haven’t just been kicking back and doing nothing for the past year, so I hope that they at least see that I’ve tried. If not, hopefully I’ll be able to keep it together enough so I don’t become a blubbering mess in front of everyone. I guess that’s where the thick skin would be useful 🙂
I’ve gone over a million scenarios in my head of how this could all go down. In a perfect world, everything would go smoothly. They’d see me as a “new” patient, forgetting our, uh, issues of the past. We would be able to have a decent conversation and create a solid plan for treatment. It could go in a completely different direction, leaving me even more disappointed and frustrated than before…although after my appointment in June at a different place, I think this will be a breeze. Or it could have a mix of good and bad, which is the most realistic situation. No matter the outcome, I’m ready to get it over with.
Here goes nothing…putting on my tough face and thick skin. In 24 hours, all the worry and anticipation will disappear and I will (hopefully) have a clearer view of the future.