I used to have an almost-perfect attendance record in school…but then RSD happened. Beginning in 8th grade, I’ve had an every-other-year sort of pattern with my school situation. Actually, that’s not even right. After missing half of my 8th grade year, it sort of became a toss-up as to whether or not I’d be in school during any given month. I think 9th grade was my last full year of school. As of today, I’m beginning another off-semester. Yep, I finally made my decision…my health is more important than school.
Now, some people may look at my situation and think (or say), “wow, you’re so lucky! You don’t have to worry about school.” Well, for a normal person, that may be the case. But truthfully, I wish I could go to school and worry about studying instead of pondering the possibilities of my medical future. I wish that the worst thing in my life was failing an exam. I wish I could further my education so I could graduate and have a real job. None of this is “lucky,” nor is it easy to say goodbye to another semester of education. But sometimes life brings us to the point where we have to buckle down and make the tough decisions, sacrificing our present comfort for the hope of a better future.
I keep reminding myself that school will always be there. Whether I go back four months from now or four years from now, it will always be there. That’s not changing. But my health? Well, there is always the potential for things to get worse. As time goes on, the possibility of a spread increases while the idea of remission decreases. It’s more important to be proactive now and have an open schedule in case something happens.
The other thing that I have to remember is that I absolutely cannot compare myself to those around me. As the people I’ve grown up with graduate, get married, and have kids, I can’t allow myself to get down about the fact that I am still where I am. I have to continuously tell myself that we each have our own journey in life. Sure, I have friends who are younger than me and have already graduated, but they’ve had pretty simple, normal lives. They’ve never stepped foot in a hospital. They’ve never felt the defeat of doctors telling them they can’t help. They’ve never been locked in a psych ward or taken back to an operating room. They’ve had time and energy to devote to books and homework, while I’ve been fighting with all my strength to have the courage to stay alive. Trying to compare my story with theirs just doesn’t make sense.
So, now that I’m not in school…what do I do? Well, to be honest, I don’t know. My next appointment isn’t until mid-October. I could try doing some outpatient PT now, but most therapists don’t even know what RSD is, and I’ve already tried that route multiple times. I need to keep myself busy, so I think I’ll work on writing, crafting (I see quite a few new crutch covers in my future…), and doing some volunteer work. If anyone has suggestions for what to do with my time, let me know!
I’ll never understand why things happen the way they do. Why I continuously get my hopes up, only to have a twist in plans. All I can do is trust that one day, this will all make sense. And hey, my wallet will be a little less starved now that I’m not paying tuition for the semester! Looking on the bright side…;)
Who knows what the future may bring, but now I have an open calendar, ready to embrace whatever life throws my way.
College on Crutches 