Why Amputation Isn’t Giving Up

{{Dear readers, if the word ‘amputation’ when mixed with RSD throws up red flags for you, know that it does for me, too. However, if I were to have this surgery, it would not be in an effort to rid my body of my RSD. It is because of complications that I have been having such as infection risk and the threat of losing my limb higher, or even my life. Before you jump to conclusions or assume that amputation is a good treatment for RSD…it’s not. It’s an extreme measure but one that may be necessary in order to preserve my quality of life. This is an individual case, not anything that should be used as a method of pain control for the general RSD community.}}

Over the past nine days or so since amputation of my right leg became a larger possibility, I’ve had a swirl of thoughts and emotions. I mean, how can you not when you’re in charge of making the most permanent decision of your life? On the spectrum of ‘no way, José’ to ‘cut it off NOW’, I’m definitely leaning toward the cut it off side. There’s obviously still the chance that things will change or I’ll change my mind, but I am trying to prepare myself for the reactions from others, regrets I may have later on, how I’ll feel, and the rest of the baggage that comes with such a big surgery. Of course, I won’t be able to have all the answers and get through all the emotions beforehand, but it’s better to be prepared than to deal with this all after it’s all said and done.

One of the pesky little thoughts that has popped up a few times in my brain is that by going through with this surgery, I will be giving up on my leg, on hope, and on my fellow fighters who don’t have this option. 

Now, I know that this is basically a lie. If I were giving up, I wouldn’t even have surgery. I wouldn’t do anything. I’d probably just throw in the towel on life. So no, I am not giving up. It’s just another lie that I have to confront during this process.

In order to confront and defeat a lie, it sometimes helps to go through they why behind the lie. Sometimes, there’s no logic behind the musings in my mind. When that happens, I know to shove it aside and let it be. But for this particular situation, I can definitely see where the thought process comes from. In fact, I wouldn’t even be surprised if some people were to accuse me of giving up when they heard about my predicament.

Back to the why behind the lie: I sometimes feel like it’s my duty to go through this pain instead of taking the supposed “easy way out” and letting my doctor cut off my leg. Really, that’s not easy at all, but in some ways, it can be viewed as such. By going through with amputation, it’ll be like committing to the idea that my leg will never get better. Giving up that strand of hope that if I deal with it for long enough and try enough treatments, then it’ll magically become whole again. As far as my fellow fighters go, I know that many of us wish for amputation at some point in the journey. We want to get rid of the thing that is causing us pain, wiping our hands of the disorder. Of course, we all know that amputation doesn’t really solve RSD, so that’s another faulty thought, but sometimes I feel like people may get the impression that that is the reason for this surgery. It’s not.

Okay, now for the truth: amputation is not giving up. Following my doctor’s recommendation is not giving up. Going against the grain is not giving up. This is my body, my life, and my situation. I could choose to do nothing. I could choose to wallow around, waiting for a major infection to take residence in my leg (which is what my doctor said will happen if I don’t get surgery). But instead, I’m choosing to fight for my health, for my life. I’m choosing to do whatever it takes, even if that means losing part of my leg, in order to have a chance at a better life. Instead of giving up hope, I am shifting the focus and placing hope in the idea that this will have a happy ending. That even if my RSD spreads, I will be in a better state of health to deal with it. Amputation does not mean that my fight will be ending, but rather, it will be the start of a new journey that will hopefully lead to brighter days.

Tomorrow is Decision Day for all of this. My mom is eager to talk to the doc about logistics and have a date set if that’s the route I choose to go. I’m not going to make a definite decision until I get some more questions answered and have this meeting with everyone, but I am preparing myself for each scenario. If amputation is what I choose to do, then I will do it with my head held high, knowing that I am doing what I believe is best for my body…and I am not giving up.