After an 8+ year adventure with various health issues, you’d think I would be totally fine with going to the doctor. It’s just part of life, right? As common as a trip to the grocery store. But that is simply not the case. I hate going to the doctor. Okay, actually I do like it when they can actually help me, but that’s a rare occurrence.
My next appointment for the pain program I was looking into is coming up next month. Honestly, I have been meaning to cancel it for quite some time. They didn’t seem to be too eager to help me. Instead, they gave me a list of 5 other doctors and therapists to see before going back to them in September. They also had some standard treatment plans that seemed to go against the typical recommendations for RSD, which is slightly concerning. It’s not like this place is down the street from where I live, either. No, it’s a 12 hour drive. I don’t think I want to endure that long of a trip, only to be turned away. Again. I had placed so much hope into this program though, so cancelling the appointment seems like slicing the last strand of hope.
I think that’s why I’m so hesitant to set up any more appointments, at this place or elsewhere. I don’t like getting my hopes up so high and imagining a better future, only to be tossed aside or told that there’s nothing they can do to help. My PM&R doctor here turned to the internet for answers, but ultimately told me she didn’t know how to help. The other clinic that I banked on near my house (that administers Ketamine infusions) told me I was too severe to be helped. Cleveland gave up on me and sent me home. The local hospitals don’t know what to do with me, and I haven’t found any reliable therapists nearby. Sure, some people have recommended doctors and therapists, but it’s usually those people/places that end up letting me down the most.
In short, yes, I am absolutely avoiding doctors and therapists right now. I’m not in a place where I feel okay enough to take another risk on someone. The let-down of a bad appointment is tough to deal with, and I don’t want to go through that again right now. Does that make me a horrible patient? Maybe. I mean, I’ve been told that before so it’s not too far-fetched. But I’m doing what I feel is right.
I’ve already tried PT, both inpatient and outpatient. I’ve done OT, Aquatherapy, SEMG, Biofeedback, Reiki, Tunneled Epidural Catheters, a Spinal Cord Stimulator, TENS units, medications…you get the picture. And that’s just for this current flare. If none of those worked, why keep banging on the door of hope, expecting something else to?
Let me say this, as I’ve said before: I am not giving up. Trust me, as long as I’m breathing, I won’t give up. I still believe that a cure is coming soon. If not that, I’m trusting that there will be an acceptable treatment down the line. I have hope, however naive it may be, that I will not be on crutches forever. When the time feels right, and when a treatment/doctor/therapist seems promising enough, I’ll navigate those waters again. I’m still searching for help…looking at ratings of doctors online, digging deeper into their qualifications. I don’t think another trip out of state is in the cards right now, but if someone nearby becomes an option, I might be willing to take a chance. Maybe.
Each person has their own journey. Some spend their lives traveling to different appointments, storming offices until answers are found. Some people choose to accept life as it is and work around their challenges. Some people give up completely, or so it may seem. I think that deep down, we know ourselves. We know our bodies, we know our capabilities. Sometimes, we have to take a break. We avoid, we cancel appointments, we shy away until the time feels right. Sometimes we just need to focus on things aside from the pain, the medication, the let-downs.
And sometimes, that just has to be okay. At least for now.
College on Crutches 