Control

I don’t know about anyone else out there, but I definitely like to be in control. Of my life, my body, my circumstances. If I don’t have a say in something then I feel anxious and unsettled. I like to plan everything and know ahead of time what to expect so that I’m not caught off guard.

When I was younger I had a plan of how I wanted life to turn out. I had huge dreams of being successful and changing the world for the better. I wanted to be sporty, funny, and living happily on the beach. I figured I would get my license at age 16, get straight A’s in school, and attend school dances with my best friends. I was told that I had the power to choose how my life would be, so I dreamed big and created a strategy for how it would all fall into place.

The thing I forgot to add into my plan was the fact that life changes and many things are out of my control. I never planned to have some strange pain problem, I certainly didn’t plan to battle eating disorders and depression. I didn’t plan to spend 4 months across the country, away from my family, at the age of 15, nor did I plan to spend double that in another location when I was 16, again away from the comforts of home. I didn’t plan for my friends to move away or for my loved ones to die. But still, without being on my imagined life story timeline, all those things happened.

Over time I’ve learned that I need to loosen my grip on things. I’ve discovered that I can’t plan when I’m going to have a flare, or when I’ll fall, or when my body is sick. The day I first heard the words “Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy,” I had to give up control because I didn’t know what to do. When recovering from eating disorders, I had to give up control of pretty much everything. Since I can’t currently drive, I have to give up control of the wheel every time I want to go somewhere. And I certainly can’t control the people around me and what they choose to say or do.

As I try to make a tentative plan for the next few years of my life, I am once again reminded of how quickly things can change. Last year my plan looked so much different-heck, even last month I wasn’t sure what the future might look like. I thought I would be staying here at school, finishing my degree, and maybe somehow squeezing “relearning how to walk” into the mix of events. Now that priorities are changing, the walking goal is moving toward the front of the line and school is up in the air. I know that I won’t be at this institution next year, and I have an idea of where I want to be and what I want to do at this time next year, but I am well aware that things can always turn out differently than expected.

So, for now, I’m making a penciled-in schedule for the coming months but holding my hands open and letting go of control. It’s so freeing to give up that rigidness and see what happens. Because really, even the best laid plans fail, so sometimes we just have to go with what life throws at us, taking it one step at a time.